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Opens up on the camp site, as Emma, Ravi, Mr. Kipling and Zuri walk in with their bags.
Emma (walks into camp, struggling with her bags) Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room? 
Gladys Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir."
Emma I haven't even looked at your legs yet. (looks down at Gladys' legs and then looks back up)
Ravi (holds out hand for Gladys to shake) Ravi Ross, a pleasure. You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. (Mrs. Kipling hisses) I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote.
Zuri I would still hide the bite-size kids.
Gladys Aren't there supposed to be four of you?
Zuri Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words.
Gladys Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. (leads the Rosses over to a table with a blonde girl sitting at it) (To Hazel:) Hazel, these are the Rosses. (To the Rosses:) I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox. (growls)
Zuri (whispers) Could've gone my whole life without hearing that.
Hazel My aunt's always talking about your mom. She hates her.
Gladys With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life!
Emma No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. (takes out phone) Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight.
Gladys By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp.Hand it over. (grabs Emma's phone)
Emma (Scoffs) No! Back off, mister! (tugs on her phone, as Hazel and Gladys tries to get it out of her hands)
Cut to the Woodchucks cabin, as Zuri and Emma enter. Tiffany is sitting on a bed surrounded by books.
Tiffany (Shushes the Rosses) I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months.
Lou Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge! (does the woodchuck sign and hugs Emma, lifting her up)
Emma I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder.
Lou (releases Emma) Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. Sit! (Emma sits) Jk! (laughs, and then sighs as Emma stood up) No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! (Emma sits again) JK again! I'm all about the JKs! Lol! OMG! (sits on Emma's bunk) So, how many years of camp experience do you have? 
Emma None.
Lou But you like kids, right?
Emma Not really. They're sticky.
Lou So why do you want to be a camp counselor?
Emma Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that.
Lou Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dream catchers actually caught dreams!
Gladys (from outside the window) She caught mine! (walks away)
Emma (stands up) And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth!
Lou (stands up and snaps fingers) Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl.
Emma Really?
Lou Yep! Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue. (does a pose)
Zuri If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo.
Cuts to Grizzly cabin, where a Xander is playing basketball.
Ravi (walks in with Mrs. Kipling) Greetings, bunk mate!
Xander Hey! (spots Mrs. Kipling) Uh...Whoa! Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet.
Ravi That alligator thingy is my pet.
Xander Oh, that explains the cage. (gestures to the cage behind him) I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid.
Mrs. Kipling (Slithers into the cage.)
Ravi Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir! (holds out hand)
Xander (shakes Ravi's hand) I'm Xander.
Ravi Oh. So what are the cabin rules?
Xander I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick. (holds up his toenail)
Ravi You know those cost, like, five cents, right?
Jorge Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk? (throws Ravi's bag off of a bunk)
Ravi Actually, that is my-
Jorge Dude, trust me. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart! 
Ravi That seems medically impossible.
Xander Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning.
Jorge That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special.
Ravi Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you?
Jorge Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird.
Cut to a bonefire at the camp, where Xander is finishing playing a little tune on his guitar
Hazel Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick?
Xander Sure (hands Hazel his guitar pick, which is his toenail)
Hazel (takes pick and kisses it)
Ravi (gags from a distance)
Lou (walks out of cabin with Emma) Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! (lists shorts up) Look, mine make Abe Lincoln!  
Emma (catches sight of Xander and gasps) That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs? (turns around, and wind blows her hair back)
Lou Where did that wind come from? 
Xander Whoa! I think I'm in love.
Hazel Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament! (stands up with Xander and leans in for a kiss)
Xander (ignores Hazel and walks up to Emma) Hi, I'm Xander.
Emma I'm Emma.
Hazel I'm nauseous.
Lou Ooh! Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow.
Hazel I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear.
Lou (runs up to Emma) Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her.
Gladys (blows whistle and steps up onto a tree stump.) Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. (two campers take Timmy and carry hims away. A camper puts a bear coat on her as Hazel handed her a tambourine) Ki-ki-wa-ka!
Campers Ki-ki-wa-ka!
Gladys (spins around) Ki-ki-wa-ka! 
Campers (spins around) Ki-ki-wa-ka!
Ravi Okay, this is a cult. (stands up) Taxi! 
Gladys We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods! 
Zuri Say what now?
Gladys Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace!
Emma Did she just say "in pieces"?
Gladys With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! (drops bear coat on the ground) Remember to pick up your trash. (walks away)
Zuri Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka?
Tiffany Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A.
Hazel (to Emma:) Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine.
Xander No, I'm not.
Hazel So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap.

See you at the friendship circle. (walks away)

Lou (sighs) She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people.
Cuts to the next day, at the obstacle course
Gladys (over the P.A.) Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life.

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